A the top of the mountain
I went to the top of the mountain to find myself in bliss. Oh, did I like it there. Having fought for so long to climb the narrow and rocky path, I felt a sweet victory as I sat and looked at the horizon.
Not long did the rest last and a voice tore me from my daydream. Hey, you! Don’t sit there and do nothing. That is not what life is about. Come her, look! This is where you need to go!
I looked down to the feet of the mountain that I had fought so hard to climb.
I protested – what?! I have finally come to the blissful place of my deepest desires. Do You want me to leave?
Meeting my fears
I found no mercy in the answer and for months I met a lot of fears. It had not been for no reason that I had sought the mountain. I had left the world behind not only to meet God, but also to get away from the human world with its unpredictable people and confusing rules.
I had fought to get away from all the things that could stir me into oblivion. I did not want to go back but I found no way around it. My mind making all kinds of attempts to make me stay, but I was called from at place deeper than my mind.
I have walked down the mountain for a few years now. On the way I have met all the ghosts of the past. Again and again the question have been asked. Did you learn on your way up? Can you use that knowledge now or did you forget? More times than I like to admit I have forgotten, but I have always been given a second chance.
I have seen myself do things I swore I wouldn’t do. Often not knowing that I have been acting from old patterns until I get a second chance to. There are still times when I need a second, third or even more chance to do what the heart wants and not what the old patterns want. It is a continuous learning. Mostly it is an incredible loving guidance into accepting the human that I am.
Having to be perfect
Recently I realized that I was still carrying a story of having to be perfect before sharing. Not did I see that I would never reach that goal. I have tried, yes. Especially by trying to change myself.
I love to share in English – as some of you may know from having seen my videos. But the fear caught me up. My English is far from perfect – and that kept me from continuing.
For a very long time now, I have wondered what happened. I went from writing posts and making videos. I loved to share, but from one day to the other the motivation was gone.
I have had a few stops on the way, realizing a thing or two about my writing – latest that my writing had to become my practice. But I still did not write posts I felt like sharing. And videos weren’t even an option anymore.
Repeatedly, the question of why went through my head, without providing me with a clear answer.
The fear of imperfection
I see now that I was afraid of my own imperfection. As I went up the mountain I saw Gods perfection. On my way down, I felt like I had to – but could not – live up to that. Little did I see that my imperfections were just a story in my head. An identity I refused to let go.
I couldn’t be good enough without actions, thoughts or emotions labelled as perfect by the mind.
Of what consists perfection?
I had to let it all go. I had not only to see that the only difference between perfection or not is an idea. I was asked to live and share from that place. I have had to learn, that without the idear of “me” as perfect or not, there is no fear.
So I believed that I was not perfect and put my life on hold waiting to become so. I am still not perfect from the perspective of the mind – but a new deeper perspective is taking over. It leaves the judgements behind and allows me to love and be – me.
With the wish for truth, forgiveness and a liberated life for all beings on all levels.